Do You Think You’re Better Off Alone?

About 18 years ago I first heard this song called “Better Off Alone” by Alice Deejay. I remember hearing it in a club, in Atlantic City, high af, and you could say it came into my life at a time when I questioned the exact title to the song. At that point I had had enough of living in NJ, not knowing who my friends really were, and I didn’t feel like there was anything left there for me. In some ways, I felt like I was better off alone.  So I chose to be alone, and I left the East coast for good.

I moved to Seattle in July of 2000. I was barely 24 and I wasn’t there more than twenty five minutes when my friend picked me up from the airport, got me stoned, and played a version of Better Off Alone I had never heard before. I remember being driven back to his parents house slightly nauseated from the night before and incredibly inspired knowing that I made the right decision in life because that song found a way to follow me to my new place. I might have thrown up in the toilet downstairs the fist day I moved to Seattle, but I was fucking ready for my next adventure, and for the time being, I was better off alone.

I lived the next 18 months of my life impulsively, purposefully, and spiritually. I came to the point where I fell in love for the first time again, and I experienced all these emotions and drug fueled responses to the idea that maybe, I wasn’t better off alone and perhaps having someone in my life to love and to trust was becoming a better option. I found someone who would listen, and someone who would talk to me, unafraid of becoming too exposed to the hard truth of being honest.

For one reason or another that time didn’t last forever, and as I was packing up my Mitsubishi Eclipse on a warm rainy day in March of 2002, I again thought to myself, I know I made the right decision. Perhaps I AM better off alone, and I knew I was. It was the only way for me to protect my heart and my feelings and not allow them to be broken or distorted again. I got really good at just moving on in life and only relying on myself and being ok being alone.  In some ways I am really proud of that independence, but in other ways, it made me so jaded and lovesick for years that it’s hard to see how it did me any good.

Years would go by and I would move to southern California and I would forget all about this song. I would get so wrapped up in the idea of living in Hollywood and pursuing my dream that I wouldn’t have time to question it, reflect on it, or even think about the fact that maybe I was wrong. Was I better off alone?  I didn’t really care at that point because I was surrounded by other people doing the same thing.

It’s such an empowering and extremely lonely thought at the same time. Am I better off alone? I don’t know. The parameters of deciding whether or not I was have changed so many times in my life. Now it had been 7 years since I heard that song and one drunken night in the summer of 2008 I started listening to electronic music again and thinking back to those times almost a decade ago.  I needed a reason for every action, a cause to fight for, and I questioned everything in life as I  wondered, Am I?

Now it’s 2017, and life has reached it’s point on the circle where it becomes full like the moon. Here I am again  in the living room of  my apartment in North Seattle, questioning the answers and provoking my thoughts yet again.

Am I better off alone?

That’s the question right? For years it has been Yes, then No, then Yes again,  but I can assure you that I have felt nothing but the epitome of aloneness these last few months and it fucking sucks. I’m tired of being alone.  I’m tired of being so far away from my friends and my family. Sure, it’s been wonderful to have experienced all the things in life I have had the chance to experience, but for the first time in 17 years I’m thinking that no, I am NOT better off alone. I want someone to share these experiences with. I desire the familiarity of a place I know like the back of my hand and as much as I love the Pacific Northwest…it ain’t gonna happen here. I’m not better off this way, and finally I know now that it’s time to come home.

I will always love this song, no matter what remix I hear. I will always remember how instrumental the lyrics are for me even though they haven’t changed.  They remind where I’ve been, and where I came from. They remind me to always take stock in the fact that even though I’m independent, I still have the desire and the need to have people around me to love and keep me inspired.

This song gave me the mindset and the strength it took to leave New Jersey in 2000, and the wisdom and knowledge to know that it’s time to return in 2017. I can’t think of a better example of  life coming full circle than that.

Do you think you’re better off alone?

Not anymore.

 

Signum remix:

original mix

dash berlin remix

heavy trance remix

 

 

 

How Many Cardboard Boxes Does It Take? (Part 1)

If you had to pack all of your belongings into cardboard boxes, how many of them would it take?   Today, I began to find out.

I hit up Box Bros for ten of them plus a roll of tape.  Of course as soon as I started “making” one of these boxes, I realized that without that handy tape dispenser that fits in your hand, EVERY TIME I cut the tape, I lose the end of it somewhere in the roll.  There is absolutely NO WAY I am going to continue like this.  I head to Home Depot, which I imagine will be my most frequented store over the next three weeks.

In front of the parking lot of course are the “day laborers” looking for a job.  I call them Mexicans.  Not because I am generalizing, but because that’s who stands outside of the Home Depot. Day laborers who are Mexican…ok fine, Latino.  Stop being so offended world, nothing about that screams racism.

I hit up aisle 39, then aisle 6, then BACK to 39 where I realize that the tape I came in looking for was actually sitting on an end cap in front of the paint section. Gorilla Tape. Fuck packing and duct tape, this stuff is like concrete strips in a convenient sized roll for under $10.

I leave the Depot, and stop and grab a bite, then I come back down my street and I look at the very unattractive and shady apartment building across from mine.  There are two black guys in suits, using the call box, and one of them looks like Johnnie Cochran if I hadn’t just googled him and found out he died 11 years ago.  There is also a sedan parked nose out onto my dead end street, and a giant black suburban with tinted windows is backing up to get a better view of the on coming traffic, but for once in L.A. there isn’t any.

Two things come to mind.  That is either a drug deal in the midst of happening, or it is a celebrity in the midst of a drug deal.  The one thing I know from living across the street from that apartment building for the last five years is that I 100% assure you, it has SOMETHING to do with drugs.

Now I’ve finished eating, and I am starting to pack my old journals and papers, and writings.  I read something I wrote from 10 years ago and it sounds like a bunch of confounded superficial dribble that makes no sense years later.

In the desolate air of the summer breeze, I find myself astounded that I made the choice I made today.”  

Wait, what the fuck was I talking about back then?

Regardless, I pack it because I’m probably going to want to read that again and laugh at myself with a glass of red wine in my hand, chuckling at the idea of how silly I was when I was 28.  Also as a writer, I don’t think you should ever throw away anything you’ve ever written, except death threats.  BURN them if you have them lying around.

I open the drawers to my coffee table and start to empty out the contents into my first cardboard box and suddenly the cat and the rabbit have to start investigating everything.  The rabbit is hopping to and from each item I put on the floor to eat it, and the cat is stretching where I spilled a little cat nip a few hours ago.

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I put the rest of the stuff on the couch to pack it up, and then I do something I don’t think I should have done.  I decided to dump the dirt from the drawer into a box while I’m standing over my coffee table covered with important stuff on top.

Of course, the drawer then slips out of my hand.

It falls onto my GLASS top coffee table which happens to have a lit foresty smelling candle on it.  It doesn’t shatter the glass thank God, but it does knock the candle over onto the table and splashes hot green balsam fir smelling wax all over the glass, the other couch, my work bag, and the carpet.

The animals go running in opposite directions and I start shouting expletives into the air like: “Fuck!” &  “Holy Fuck!” & “Of fucking course that fucking shit just fucking happened!”

I should have taken a picture of this calamity, but the LAST thing I was thinking when this happened was “I wonder if this spilled wax has enough artistic value to hold weight on Instagram? #accidentallyartisitc

I take a deep breath and exhale and then I look on the coffee table and I realize that the wax could have gone any place it wanted.  I had no control over that.  Sure, parts of the table were waxy, including the couch and whatever else it splattered onto, but you know what the wax missed?  My cell phone and my laptop which were just inches away from the candle.

“Holy fuck…. I’m a lucky duck.”

I scraped off the wax by using an old CD I was going to throw out anyway.  I guess the band Coldplay is good for something AND for nothing.

After this debacle, I decided it’s probably best to take the rest of the day off and come back to this project tomorrow.

Box count as of today:  1

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Creative Blogger Award/My Nominees

It’s an honor to be nominated for The Creative Blogger Award!  I’d like to thank Carisa Adrienne @ Sometimes Silver Linings Are Blue for the nomination.  She is my #1 fan and I appreciate the love and support.

creative

RULES FOR THE CREATIVE BLOGGER:

  1. Thank the person who nominated you and post a link to their blog. (yes)
  2. Share 5 facts about yourself (below)
  3. Nominate some bloggers in return and notify them of their nomination. (in process)
  4. Keep the rules in your post so it makes it easy for everyone to know what to do. (obviously)

So here it goes.

Facts about me:

  1. I had a rare blood disease from years 1-3 that almost killed me, but I made it through.
  2. I’m 5 foot 9 and a half, but I lie and round up to five foot ten.
  3. I lost my virginity at 17 while listening to the Counting Crows album “August & Everything After”
  4. I have owned 14 cars in my lifetime, and I realized sometime around #10 that it’s just a car.
  5. I don’t do anything in the morning until after my second cup of coffee

As for my nominees:

Mr. and Mrs. Halloween  – Because I always look forward to their festive posts.

Everything I Never Told You – Because Tosha Michelle is an inspiration

A Walk On The Brightside – Because Georgette Ann is a poet, and she knows it

Stars Rain Sun Moon – Because no one can captivate a cup of noodles quite like Mari

Heart Shaped Eyes – Because even though I don’t know her name, I’m always intrigued

Also, it’s totally OK if you don’t want to partake in the post.  I just think it’s fun and since I’m kind of new to WordPress, I need to thank all these lovely people I have met, well kind of met.

Also, one for the road: