whatevr

I Just Don’t Care Anymore

I don’t feel like doing anything for the rest of the year. In fact, I don’t feel like caring about doing anything for the rest of the year either which relieves me of any guilt, and therein lies my self fulfilling prophecy.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not sad, I’m not depressed, and I’m certainly not feeling like the world is coming to an end, although if you look at my Facebook feed, you would probably think otherwise about the latter statement. Simply put, I just don’t care about the stupid shit that I used to care so much about. You know, girls, Hollywood, politics, the state of the world, etc etc., and I have to say, it’s truly been a relief not caring about that shit. It’s actually quite liberating.

For years I hustled and I cared about looking younger, attracting the right girl, being in the best shape as possible, being successful which equated to having a lot of money, having a major artistic goal to achieve and doing things in an effort to gain an advantage over someone or something for a job. In the end, it really didn’t get me anywhere other than a few thousand dollars in profit, 20K in debt, some amazing life experiences and stories I’ll tell til the day I die, but overall I feel pretty much frustrated and worn out.  I guess you could say I was hustled by the hustle.

Fast forward to now…

I moved up here 9 months ago to find out who I am, what I’m supposed to do, and to find a better quality of life for myself.  I think I gained the knowledge to know who I am and I’m definitely living a better quality of life, but the “What I’m supposed to do” aspect still lingers.

But who really cares? I would imagine I am the ONLY one who would be the most invested in figuring out that part of my life, but for some reason, it doesn’t bother me not having a plan for the future. I mean, the future for me is as simple as what am I going to make for dinner tonight, and do I have enough wine to compliment that dinner.

I may not be living the life I had planned out so many years ago, but recently something dawned on me. What if in a past life I was incredibly successful, but totally miserable at the same time? What if I had all this money and power, but felt utterly alone every night I came home to my empty house? What if after I died, when God asked if I wanted to be reincarnated I said “Yeah, but I can be a hot bartender with tattoos who doesn’t look his age, with a talent for writing who lives in Seattle in his early forties?

HAD THAT BEEN THE CASE, I am living my reincarnated life right now and I’m ok with it. Right now, I choose not to care about my status anymore. Truthfully,  if I take a look around myself now at what I have and where I am going, I’m actually quite happier.  I think my previous life on this planet would be proud of me.

I’m proud of me. I went though some shit last year and then some life changing shit in the last 9 months and maybe I just need some time to let all the shit sink in. Maybe I need to step back and observe everything instead of trying to grab life by the pussy. (Sorry, I had to)

Ultimately, it’s my life, and there’s no one telling me what to do. Has there ever? As long as I have a job, I pay my bills on time, and I’m generally nice to people, I think I’ll be ok.

So as I hunker down for my first Pacific Northwest winter in 15 years, I’ve decided to not care as much and indulge in who I am and do things a little differently. If I’m feeling guilty about eating that third slice of pizza, I’ll probably eat that fourth one now. If I worked out on Monday and Tuesday, I may just take off the next three days because I feel like I earned it, and I do own a lot of sweatshirts. And if I wanna just lay on my couch and watch 11 hours of football on Sunday, the only thing that will make me feel guilty about that are the thirty minutes of the game that I missed because I was taking a nap.

Life is quite comfortable, and for now that’s how I like it. I’m vegging. I’m not in the mood to go out and change the world, and I’m not in any rush to get to a certain point in my life where I can feel like I “accomplished” anything cause I’m already there. My only main goals are to gain a little weight during the holiday season, make some money, and catch up on some sleep. So far, I’m three for three today and it feels pretty fucking good. It feels good not to care.

bang

Let’s Start With a Bang

Lately, I’ve been singing to myself…
I  d o n’t  w a n n a   be here no  more.”

October is over, a month that made me wax and wain with a purpose. A purpose I’m still trying to figure out as there is a goofy sideshow election going on that perfectly represents what this country, like myself have become. Divided.

I’m divided in half like a bi-polar nightmare and I don’t know if I keep challenging myself to see how far I can go, or if I keep making the same mistakes because I know it’s a challenge I can win. I started with a bang seven months ago and blew up my world by moving to a city I haven’t lived in since fucking George W. Bush stole the election in 2000.

I got a job that pays me well, and pays me benefits. I found a great apartment, some cool friends and a pretty girl and I loved that I loved everything in my life until it all stopped reciprocating that love to me right before the short lived summer of Seattle, 2016.

It makes me wonder… was it really love at all?

Maybe it was infatuation that changed my world and turned me upside down. Maybe it was the start of something new, and the journey to get to the destination that once I got to, I subtly started questioning if I really wanted to be there. It was obvious by my actions, so naturally those actions have caused me to question the reaction I’ve been having to my troubled, self inflicted life. Maybe I don’t know what I want, and maybe that’s ok.

What if instead of living a bi-polar life, I am living a world of multiplicity as I’m pushed and pulled into half a dozen different scenarios in my mind. Jesus Christ was NOT perfect, and neither am I, but I don’t think it’s wrong to be a saint and sinner simultaneously, just like him.

I came back to the west coast last week with the option to leave early, but since those first  72 hours have past me by, I’m starting to think that maybe I need to slow my roll and give it a chance. Maybe I need to stop trying to blow up my life and start trying to piece it together through finding out what I want, a little bit at a time through observation, and the patience to see it through to the end, or the beginning depending on how I look at it.

After all, I spent 13 years in that God awful place they call L.A. and I didn’t sell my soul for anything less than a million dollars of my own self worth that comes in the form of credit card which I don’t really care about anymore. It’s not real, it doesn’t really matter, and really the only thing that I can do is take a deep breath, maybe get a little artificial sunlight and go out there and live my life and discover what it is that comes next. I got to admit, It’s kind of exciting that I can still be this much of a free spirit in the summertime of my life.

For awhile I’ve been singing to myself
I  d o n’t  w a n n a   be  h e re  no  more”

…but I’ve been flowing like a samurai and stinging like a butterfly. Now I don’t feel the need to blow up my life again, but I do love the excitement, so for better or worse, let’s start with a bang.