nckilovegate

The Love & The Hate

Is it possible to love something so much but go through fleeting moments of hating it too? Like for example, I love my life, but I hate the fact that I’ve been so complacent about it recently. It’s like I know I can do better than working at a bar and writing an interesting blog, yet although I’m glad I’m writing again, I hate the fact that I am writing this blog about how I’ve resigned to feeling nonchalant about my life.

I got to be honest, I haven’t given it 110% in the writing part because all summer I worked like 40 hours a week at a hip (or sometimes very UN-hip) rooftop hotel high volume bar, and I’m 40 years old and been doing this for 16 years so in my eyes, 40 plus 40 plus 16 equals tired as fuck on your days off, and all I remember doing was drinking, eating and watching TV.  Thank God it was an Olympic year.

I was physically and mentally exhausted, but now I know that the physical demands of my job are slowing down as the bar does in the fall and winter, and my mental problems have gone away on a vacation for awhile. With this new found level of calm, my goal must be to kick the complacency, try something new, let go of the issues I had this summer, and not allow them to come back.

No more hate.  I want to fall in love with my life again.

On the other hand, I can love and hate things outside of my life to fill that void of feeling the desire to love and hate things.  For example I hate Nicki Minaj, but I LOVE this commercial she is in, and I also simultaneously hate the fact that I love it.

There’s something about her that annoys the shit out of me,  but maybe it’s because of the way she is portrayed in the media.  Plus, I know everyone raves about her ass, but  I think her butt is just not that attractive.  It’s too big for me anyway.   I don’t know.  I’m trying not to objectify and make light of her, but come on…it IS a little obscene don’t you think?

But wait. Before you judge me, here’s the point of me bringing up her ass and how it perfectly reflects my life right now.

MY ass has gotten too big from not doing anything constructive on my days off.  I mean figuratively, because my butt isn’t actually larger or anything like that.  In fact I’ve actually lost ten pounds this summer, so I can’t really complain, but what I’m getting at is although I have been ecstatic about cruising through my life and having the means to do extravagant things with extraordinary people, I hate how complacent I have become and how I have spent my free time not learning anything new, with the exception of how to relate the size of a pop star’s derriere to my current state of life affairs.

The bright side is through all the love and the hate I have learned how to protect my heart and I learned how to be alone, and now I have the understanding and mental capacity it takes to be ok with BEING alone for right now.  I suppose those are two important things to remember how to do, even if I’ve tried to do them before and failed like a champ. I think I’m ready to stop hating the down cycle, and start living for the upswing.

So what’s the upswing?

I’m still in debt, and I  need to work five days a week to pay all my bills and get ahead of it, but I think what it comes down to is I’ve been missing that connection with something outside of love and hate. I want the passion back, the passion that comes with admiring who you are and what you do in spite of the fleeting moments of indifference.  Some days I’m really proud of myself, and other days I know I could do better than me.

For now, every time I see that Nicki Minaj commercial, maybe I will have to cause it to remind me to be a little more proactive in my life and stop hating the fact that I have been kind of lackadaisical. But what if it was necessary?  Maybe I needed it. Maybe it was therapeutic.  Maybe it was the next step, like a purging of old ideas but maybe enough is enough and now it served it’s purpose.

I should pat myself on the back for escaping from the drama pretty much unscathed, but not too confidently as to cause me to be cocky. In the most sincere and humbling way possible, I’m ready for the next phase of my life, whatever that is.

I’ll tell you…sometimes I hate trying to figure out my life at 40, but I love the fact that at least I still have a life to figure out.

uninspiredfinger

The New Inspiration

I have a dilemma going on in my life and the problem is that lately I haven’t found anything inspiring to write about. Scratch that. I have plenty to write about, but I feel like I need to be a little more cautious and use a new level of discretion when I choose to write about the things that I write about. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not uninspired, but recently I realized that when I write about my personal life I’m at my best, regardless as to what’s going on or going wrong in it.

But some of the characters in my blog are also the friends and people that are reading my blog, which means we’re in the middle of a conflict of interest, a sometimes double entendre, and the reality that they may or may not end up as a character in it. I once wrote that I couldn’t do this blog without my supporting cast so I guess all I can say is, I told you so.

But let’s be honest, not EVERYTHING in my life is “blogable” just because this blog exists. Some things I try to keep private as I attempt to follow a level of ethics that I live and write by. For instance…

I want to to write about my ex girlfriend of mine who puts headphones in her ears at night and lulls herself to sleep by listening to the soothing sounds of white noise, but I know people will gossip the fuck out of it if I did.

I want to write about the PYT from the 90s that is flakey as fuck, but loves the movie Heathers as much as I do, but again, it’ll all turn into talk, talk, talk, and at some point I want to at least try to protect her anonymity.

Then there’s the wide eyed, congenial lawyer I had many wines with, and how half of a glass ended up on my knee at a baseball game, but even though she doesn’t read my blog, there’s always the possibility that she might one day read my blog… just because it’s out there.

However, certain things that affect my everyday life NEED to be written about which is why I have no qualms to mention the Bumble girl I dated for a minute who read through this website and then psycho-analyzed me on dates number two and three. It never got past that night when I accepted an invitation to go to a wedding with her, then rescinded that invitation three hours later, and haven’t seen her since.

It was my call, obviously. Reading my blog and then trying to figure me out by getting drunk and calling me out on stuff I wrote about is reminiscent of people who go out to Irish bars on St. Patrick’s Day and drink themselves stupid. Fucking amateur hour. I just wish she would have taken this for what it is….a moment in time I document about my life, which she is no longer in anymore.

Maybe I was being too harsh, but a part of me was pissed that night. Who does that shit? I mean, it’s not really fair to me is it? Anyone who dates me, or knows me, or is in my circle of friends knows I write this blog and it’s pretty goddamn personal. Am I unable to be brutally honest? Do I have to censor myself now? My life is basically out there for people to read and come to think of it, I should have everyone I meet sign a non disclosure agreement stating that they won’t use the information in this blog against me, or like the Bumble girl. Please don’t drink hella tequila and start verbally attacking me, repeating the phrase “I don’t give two shits.” seventeen times in eight minutes, then regurgitating some line about how you know all this stuff about me like I’m bad in relationships and a “hopeless romantic”

No shit I’m a hopeless romantic….you read that about me on the first page of this website. I should probably update that because come to think of it… I’m definitely NOT hopeless.

I guess for now, I can try to filter the truth through strategically playing the right pawns and rooks, but you might suggest that I have to come up with more creative ideas than writing about my three muses because lately it’s been all work, wine and women. I need to get back to having an experience outside of all three of them.

But ultimately, if you give me a reason to write about you, I’m going to write about you. Just don’t do anything stupid and please don’t get offended. This blog is half satire, and that should be taken with a grain of salt, or an entire shaker for those of you who know me.

However, if you do choose to get offended, remember that it’s your choice to feel that way, and it’s my choice to not feel the need to apologize for any of it because this is MY story. I shouldn’t have to censor myself or say I’m sorry for the things that someone else did to me. I’ve got to tell my story in the most sarcastic, ironic, bitingly funny and dreadfully dramatic way possible, without cause for concern about who may or may not get butt hurt along the way. And that will have to be my new inspiration.

naveldoubt

The 30 Day Playlist (#1-#15)

On August 4th, I started to make a playlist called 1 A Day For 30 Days.  Each day I added one song to the playlist which was determined by something that happened during the day, or a song I heard for the first time, or what music was playing in my dream the night before that stuck in my head.  How I got the idea for this playlist was in the first song itself.

 

#1 Spiderwebs: No Doubt

I literally walked into a spiderweb on August 4th 2016.  Obviously I thought of this song and put it on in my apartment right afterwards.  Then I got this idea to keep going.  Put one song on the playlist each day and see what comes out.

 

#2 Trouble: Cage The Elephant

I was on a Bumble date one night in Capitol Hill with this girl who knew all the same music as me, but when this song came on in the bar, neither one of us knew it.  I Shazammed it at the bar, loved the lyrics immediately, downloaded the song when I got home and put in on the list.  Unfortunately for my date, the next song title would describe how that turned out.

 

#3 You Stay, I Go, No Following: Look Mexico

Thank you for absolutely nothing.  Ok, that’s being harsh, but I like this track because it reminds me of being a working man like I was this summer, and busting my ass for minimum wage…plus tips.   Anyway, I’m sure this might have a double meaning since some of these lyrics remind me of a girl I used to date, but then again, don’t they all?

#4 Hands Down: Dashboard Confessional

I still don’t think this song belongs on the playlist because it wasn’t me who put it on, it was the Bumble date girl.  The lyrics say “Hands down this is the best day I can ever remember.” which is shocking to me.  I don’t know why she chose this one.  I told her I wanted to stop seeing her later that night.  Oops.

 

#5 Hello: Martin Solveig


“You’re alright but I’m here darling to enjoy the party  Don’t get too excited ‘cus that’s all you get from me”

That pretty much summed up how I felt about the girl I just stopped seeing.  When am I going to learn how silly dating apps are?

#6 Welcome to the Black Parade: My Chemical Romance

It was almost 90 degrees in Seattle this day.  It felt like summer, and what better than to put a track on the playlist that has the word summer in it.  Plus, I was learning to carry on in my life without the presence of someone else in it.  I’m not going too deep on this one cause it’s in the past now, but I learned my lesson, dodged a bullet, and carried on.

 

#7 Titanium: Colin McLoughlin

This is one of the best covers I have ever heard.  I especially like it cause it’s gender reversal with the vocals.  I like both versions of this song, but when I woke up this morning and saw this under new track in the iTunes store, I couldn’t help myself.  I also had been putting up these inspirational quotes behind the bar when I work to keep me going.  Obviously today’s was “Shoot Me Down, but I won’t fall. I am titanium.”

 

#8 Read My Mind: The Killers

“Put your back on me”  I relate the words that Brandon Flowers writes.  I connect to them so I guess that’s why The Killers are one of my all time favorite bands, at least I still regularly listen to the first three or four albums.  Some people hate the Killers and as much as I don’t get it, I respect their opinion to think that way.  I certainly understand that certain bands can be polarizing.  For example, I hate The Doors and I think the Beatles are overrated.  There, I said it.

#9 Louder, Harder, Better: Galantis

Sometimes whole genres of music can be polarizing.  Take EDM for example.  I really enjoy listening to it and I have for like 17 years now since I took my first hit of ecstasy.  Some people don’t get it, others do, but my guess is that people who don’t get it have never taken drugs before…. and there’s nothing really wrong with that.  EDM is like the psychedelic music movement of the 60, but with way more beats per minute.  I know it’s not really like that, but no one who reads this blog remembers the 60s anyway, so how would they know?

This song made it on the playlist because it was the day I realized my life in Seattle was pretty good.  As good as it has been before, and maybe I need to start living it like that.

 

#10 Bring Back The Summer:  Rain Man

More EDM!!  This is a song you can listen to in March when it’s raining because it reminds you that the summer is coming, and you can listen to it in September when it’s chilly because it reminds you of the summer that just past.  I think that’s cool that a song  can remind you of more than one summer in the same song.  I’ve have some pretty lame summers recently though so I prefer the fall, but Rain Man hasn’t come out with that track yet. Still, I have been listening to this song all summer long and it just HAD to make it on the list.

 

#11 Style: Taylor Swift

I was driving to the QFC playing with the radio and this cool beat came on.  I really liked that it sounded like an 80s song but I had never heard it before.  I broke out my phone and Shazammed  it and T.S. came up.  I started laughing my ass off.  Before my ex and I went public I had her name in my phone as “Taylor Swift 1989” cause they were born the same year and I was trying to be discreet in case people at work saw my phone. Of course it’s her.  But regardless, the lyrics are cute and even though not many people do, I still like Taylor Swift.  She’s a good artist.  If you disagree, please tell me why in the comment section.  I’d like to get into this debate.

 

#12 Iris: Goo Goo Dolls

This was the next song I turned to on the radio that night after I got my food from the grocery store.  I have sang karaoke twice in my whole life.  The first time I sang Counting Crows, Omaha.  The second time I sang this song.  I guess I have an affinity for sappy 90s music,  but the lyrics here are so fucking good.  Reminds me of being in love, then breaking up, but being ok with it finally.  Also remind me of being drunk at a bar back in L.A. singing this song as my voice cracked three or four times.

 

#13 Crash 2.0: Adventure Club

Another song that reminds me of my ex.  I gotta stop doing this, but I honestly felt while I was in that relationship that being with this girl was like a drug for me, and when we broke up a couple months later I fucking crashed…back down to earth.  That’s a story within a story.  Maybe I’ll tell that one later.

#14: Migraine: TwentyOne Pilots

I went out with that Bumble chick one night and she stayed over my place.  I tried making out with her, but it just wasn’t working for me.  THEN I get this horrendous migraine headache when I roll over and go to sleep.  My BFF told me that it was my body trying to tell my mind not to hook up wit this chick.  I think she was right.  When I woke up with a headache this morning it reminded me of that night.  Great song, but I can do without the headaches in the morning now.

#15 Unsteady: X Ambassadors (Justin Caruso remix)

I was on another date and after the girl and I went to my car to smoke a cigarette, she started playing music.  I rarely let people play music in my car, but this girl was interesting, a lawyer, and she kind of had really great taste in music.  A lot of the bands she played me I had never heard before, and I really enjoyed this one so I put it on the list.

 

#16-#30 coming next week.