Now the path is slightly different, with some twists and turns that are raining down with familiarity. Feels like I’ve been here before….
Perhaps in another decade, and another time when the parameters of what I was working for were slightly skewed to match what I sought at the age of 26, if I even knew at that time what I wanted. But instead, it’s 14 years later and I’m back for the attack in the Emerald City with an opportunity in front of me to pick up where I left off, at least in the grand scheme of things that I call my life.
I had forgotten what it takes to get through the tough times because the last time things got tough I caved and bolted out of this city and I let the proverbial rainstorm get the best of me when I decided that this life was too much for me to handle. But I’d be lying if I said I don’t appreciate the challenge this time around, and may I point out how god damn cyclical life is and how for the first time in awhile I understand and I god damn appreciate it for something new. An opportunity.
I learned to live by the phrase “What you resist, persists” and I suppose in some small way I have been resisting the obvious invitation life has been sending me for years every single time I find myself falling away or getting swept up in the emotions that flow through my body.
I get a taste of something I feel like I’ve wanted for years and I think those emotions are real, so I get wrapped up in them until they keep me up at night. But with a little determination and help from myself, I slept through last night with only a small amount of restlessness and even that only came sometime around 4am when perhaps it got too hot to stay slumbered up in my bedroom.
It looks and feels like a different place here now, and even though this apartment is starving for some sort of an argument, I know I’d only be calling out myself and I’ve done enough of that recently to last me until the next time.
And the next time, ironically is THIS time and it’s one of those lessons I started to learn back in 2002 when I lost myself to some silly lack of patience. Now there is nothing more regretful than realizing that if I just stuck it out and really tired to turn things around I might have been able to accomplish what I wanted, but a wandering eye and an adolescent dream is what took me away from here before.
But it’s not that time anymore. I’m not the same person I was back then, and I’ve learned from my mistakes. I’m poised for a return to greatness. I’m better, I’m stronger, and I’m back for the attack.