Human After All

“This world will pass away, and my emotions with it. Why should I strive for acceptance and peace of mind?”

I don’t think I’ve ever really understood those Shai Hulud lyrics until recently. Sometimes I get all swept up in how I’m feeling about my life, about my heart, about my soul. I forget that this life has it’s limitations, and in some ways I’m trapped inside this body. The feelings I have will change, or maybe they will go away, and if I let them too, they may drive me insane thinking about what they mean, but ultimately, they’re not real. I have to remember that I’m part of something bigger. We all are.

But I like the acceptance, and I like the peace of mind to know I’m doing a good job and I’m appreciated. I guess, for right now even though I’m a spiritual being, I’m a human after all.

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Blank Eyes, Tired Of Waiting.

If you knew the future, would it take away the anxiety and the stress we go through when we sit around wondering what’s going to happen next, cause I can’t be the only one who does that. I’ve been thinking about this a lot because I’ve been going through the motions of a thought process that can’t be turned off like the EKG meter of a person on life support. But honestly, I’m really exaggerating cause when it comes down to it, all it really feels like is that I’m waiting for something to happen.

I feel like I need some sort of guidance. I feel like I need some sort of a game plan or a map to tell me where to go next, but it’s so exhausting some times to try and figure out point A. to point B. and what’s the most direct route to get there because I’m in need of a vacation and I’m so tired. Tired of waiting.

What am I waiting for anyway? I don’t think I’ve even stopped to think about that.  Is it someone? Is it some “thing?” And by the way, if it is someone, is it someone I know, or is it the someone that I used to know?  If it’s some thing, is it an accomplishment, a compliment, or is it the moment when I look up with blank eyes at the clock on my phone and check for some sort of message, or listen for some sort of revelation that I hear in the lyrics of a good song like the title of this blog.

The dichotomy is inspiring and frustrating at the same time, and it can cause to make me angry and make me want to lash out on someone or some thing because I just want to know what happens next, but I keep telling myself, don’t misdirect your rage.

God, sometimes I just get so tired of waiting, but I think I know that what I’m waiting for, is this.

It’s this moment that makes me realize the most important lesson of all is for me to hustle up and learn real quickly that I have to stop waiting for something, and start living for anything. Those aren’t song lyrics, those aren’t a quote from a movie, those are just the words I’ve been waiting to live by.

So in the meantime I’ll be out on my patio at 10 in the morning soaking up the sun and drinking my coffee while I spend my time reflecting on the moment when I woke and figured out the plan at hand which is me waiting…. for nothing.

 

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Don’t Let The Shit Get To You

Recently, I started putting these inspirational quotes behind the bar when I work. They  actually help to keep me focused, and to proverbially not let the shit get to me. And believe me, we often refer to the place I work as sometimes being a complete shit show so  I know I’m on point with that.

I love my job, and and love the people I work with, and those are the only reasons why I can get through each shift now with only slightly freaking out, instead of dramatically freaking out. I know I’m dramatic, but I think I’ve learned how to control it now. Along with these little quotes and some words from my co-workers, it helps to remind me not to take life so seriously sometimes, even in the midst of the chaos that is five people working behind a bar meant for two, three people deep at the rail, and a service well that shares the main well that makes drinks for the other 268 people in the restaurant.

To say it runs like a well oiled machine would be a complete lie, but sometimes it has the ability to do just that, and I guess it’s good practice for someone like me who wants to run his own bar someday. I’m learning how to do that, and how to fit all the parts in place. One of those parts is my mental state of mind.

One of my favorite quotes that I haven’t used yet is this:

“Life is 10% what happens, and 90% how you react to it.” 
-Charles R. Swindoll.

That quote is so true, even if I don’t know who the fuck Charles R. Swindoll is, I know he said something really smart  and inspiring and perhaps that all that matters. I think after reading that one I realized that if you don’t understand and truly get that aspect of life, you’re gonna have a hard time with it. Trust me, I’ve been there and it was just last month.

Last month was tough for me. I understand now that it was a test of my faith and my will power and I know I passed, but not with flying colors, mind you.  I’d say I skirted by with a solid C- average which yes, is a gracious grade to give myself after my rebellious nature took over for thirty six hours. Maybe I’m grading on a curve. So what?  I went through some shit and I did my best to not let it get to me.

The point is, life really is how you react to it, and I can’t believe it took me this long to find that quote and live it everyday. Why didn’t I read that quote three months ago, or three years ago?  Well, maybe I wasn’t ready for it until now. It really put things in perspective for me, especially since I’m still finding out who I am up here, so I’m going to take that quote, this grain of salt, and learn to live it out. It’s what I do.

I live my life and absorb smart and witty quotes and sayings and advice I’ve read in books and talked about in conversations I’ve had with my friends and family, take the experiences I’ve lived though and my better judgement, and I piece it all together to create the script for my life.  Yeah, I guess there’s still a little Hollywood in me.

Look, I still have no idea how it’s going to end, but I guess when I’m meant to find out, it’ll happen and I know I’ll be ready for it, just like I’m ready to react differently to the other 90% of my life.

I don’t know what the future of my job or my life will be, but as a writer, the script now says there is only one way to end this blog, and that’s with a quote from the movie Rocky Balboa. Yeah, I know you probably laughed, but the Rocky movies, minus Rocky 5 are some of the best, if not THE best boxing movies ever made. Raging Bull is good one too, but as a series, nothing can touch Rocky.

Anyway, I have a this quote framed on my wall. I bought this frame for it when I first moved to Seattle, but I was having trouble getting the thing to open up so I could put the picture in the frame and it was frustrating me. I almost gave up trying to fit it in and was going to return the frame, until one night someone helped me to do it. Someone helped me to make it work. It took teamwork, and even though on Sundays I sometimes find myself missing that person the most, nevertheless the quote still inspires me because the words in that frame really hit close to home. This gets me through that day, and every other Monday through Saturday as well, even when I’m at work “in” the well.  So thanks for that.

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“The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It’s a very mean and nasty place and I don’t care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain’t about how hard you hit. It’s about how hard you can GET hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done!”

Me

I used to want to be famous more than anything.

Perhaps I didn’t get enough attention when I was younger,

or maybe I just liked the attention I got.

But maybe, just maybe I got too much attention from doing things

I shouldn’t have been doing

and I think it made me delusional.

I can laugh at that thought now,

because now I just want to be me.

 

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The Emerald City Attack

Now the path is slightly different, with some twists and turns that are raining down with familiarity. Feels like I’ve been here before….

Perhaps in another decade, and another time when the parameters of what I was working for were slightly skewed to match what I sought at the age of 26, if I even knew at that time what I wanted. But instead, it’s 14 years later and I’m back for the attack in the Emerald City with an opportunity in front of me to pick up where I left off, at least in the grand scheme of things that I call my life.

I had forgotten what it takes to get through the tough times because the last time things got tough I caved and bolted out of this city and I let the proverbial rainstorm get the best of me when I decided that this life was too much for me to handle.  But I’d be lying if I said I don’t appreciate the challenge this time around, and may I point out how god damn cyclical life is and how for the first time in awhile I understand and I god damn appreciate it for something new.  An opportunity.

I learned to live by the phrase “What you resist, persists” and I suppose in some small way I have been resisting the obvious invitation life has been sending me for years every single time I find myself falling away or getting swept up in the emotions that flow through my body.

I get a taste of something I feel like I’ve wanted for years and I think those emotions are real, so I get wrapped up in them until they keep me up at night. But with a little determination and help from myself, I slept through last night with only a small amount of restlessness and even that only came sometime around 4am when perhaps it got too hot to stay slumbered up in my bedroom.

It looks and feels like a different place here now, and even though this apartment is starving for some sort of an argument, I know I’d only be calling out myself and I’ve done enough of that recently to last me until the next time.

And the next time, ironically is THIS time and it’s one of those lessons I started to learn back in 2002 when I lost myself to some silly lack of patience. Now there is nothing more regretful than realizing that if I just stuck it out and really tired to turn things around I might have been able to accomplish what I wanted, but a wandering eye and an adolescent dream is what took me away from here before.

But it’s not that time anymore. I’m not the same person I was back then, and I’ve learned from my mistakes. I’m poised for a return to greatness.  I’m better, I’m stronger, and I’m back for the attack.

 

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Sixteen

I miss the way my cat used to greet me at the door.
and the way it always felt like an endless summer almost every day in L.A.
I miss the down to earth mentality that I feel from people back east,
and I miss the brutal truth they are so good at making me realize when I need to hear it the most.

I miss the times when I felt like nothing could go wrong in my life,
and how I looked foward to the nights that I never wanted to end.
I miss the drunk texts she used to send me after the sun set,
and I miss the smile in her eyes that only I could bear witness to.

I miss the times leading up to how I got here again,
and how the thrill of not knowing what was going to happen was like a drug itself.
I miss when living in the moment was an after thought,
and I miss the moment when I realized that it was all falling into place.

I miss the slow, sultry seduction that comes with  discovering something new,
and I miss the grin on my face when I finally got what I wanted.

But as far as the struggles I’ve been through the last two weeks, I ain’t missing you at all.
Yet I miss the last sixteen words I’m about to write,
cause now I know it’s time to say good night.