When I lived in Los Angeles, most mornings in June we would all wake up to intense overcast and cloud cover. It would burn off by the late afternoon when the sun came out, and it’s called the June Gloom because it happens during that month when the summer first starts, and the sky looks like how I feel right now. Gloomy.
This June has been a tough month for me. Asking around you would hear about how I broke my cell phone and had to buy a new one, how I got swept up in someone else’s eyes, then I crashed back down to earth with a sick cat who was dying of two health issues at once. Money has been hemorrhaging out of my bank account, two has became one, and my cat’s condition has worsened and she barely has been eating the last two days.
I could wait a week to put her down, but what would that accomplish? I think sometimes we try to extend the life of a dying pet for our own self worth. We want to feel like we did everything we can for this animal, but sometimes the best thing to do is to let them decide when it’s time to go. Dapple let me know that yesterday.
It’s all happening so fast and all at once in the month of June. Now, I don’t live in L.A. anymore, but I’ll be damnded if it doesn’t feel like the June Gloom followed me from Hollywood this whole fucking month. I want to be pissed off and angry but there is no one or no thing to actually put the blame on. It’s just life, and it’s telling me that I guess I’m strong enough to handle all these things, otherwise I don’t think they would be happening.
I found an album in my iTunes that I hadn’t listened to since I bought it. In fact I don’t remember buying it, but life always seems to find a way to communicate to me through music when I need it most:
Am I the only one I know
Waging wars behind my face
and above my throat?
Shadows scream that I’m alone.
But I know we’ve made it this far, kid.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It’s called “Migraine” by twenty one pilots. Kind of fitting for me right now. No, I don’t have a headache to go with the pain, but there is a dull numbness I feel just thinking about how certain events in June have caused to shape my life in a way that is so very different from a few weeks ago. Although, maybe I’m not alone since this hasn’t been a good month for a lot of my friends either. Maybe that June Gloom is going around.
That song sticks in my head for a reason. Regardless, I’ve made it this far, and if I remember correctly my posts from last summer were filled with confusion and doubt, and ups and down, and code words and paralell lines that I walked on so crookedly, and God I didn’t know what I was going to do with myself. Yet for some reason, now I am well aware, and you don’t have to tell me twice, that I am better off than I was last June.
Keeping in mind that pain and loss are involved in every single thing that has bummed me out this month, I still can say that I’m in a better place than last year. I certainly didn’t think to look at it that way, and even though I feel like life has been beating me down this month, I have to remember that this time last year, it was ME doing it to myself. At least I learned from my mistakes.
This has been brought to you by one of the June Gloomers of the world. We are the people who know that love dares you to change your way of caring about ourselves. We know that sometimes there truly is a last dance, and that nothing stays the same forever.
We also sometimes feel good about the struggles we live though and who we have become through our experiences, and we hope and pray that it can only get better by the end of the week when July rolls around.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
(Picture courtesy of a really nice June evening at Golden Gardens in Seattle. The sun does comes out sometimes)