Sometimes I can’t tell if I’m doing the right thing, and other times I realize that the irony is perhaps there is no such thing as the right thing to do. There is a part of me that understands the touch and go philosophy, but I’m struggling to find my place in that mindset, and how on earth did we get to this point. I’m honest to a fault, and I’m an emotional wreck sometimes but I’ve learned to keep that second part to myself, even though every now and then you could be more than a mile away and still pick up what I’m putting down.
It’s hot and humid today on the patio and this is the first time in two weeks that I’ve been soaking in the sun as I attempt to drink myself into a state of sobriety. Who am I trying to impress with my shirt off and my sunglasses on? Who am I trying to be when I don’t feel like being myself, and how do you score the play that makes me feel like I’ve been hitting home runs for the last few months, but still striking out at the plate?
I’m getting tanner with each minute, and complacent with every second, and at least every hour on the hour I’m checking in with myself to make sure that my breathing is slightly more involuntary than the words that are coming out of my mouth.
Now I’m thinking that maybe the right thing is to be true to myself. And now I’m thinking that maybe being true to myself is to be ok with the idea of letting go of the things that I’ve outgrown. And now I’m thinking that this is why I chose to be where I am today, and to be completely honest, I wouldn’t have it any other way.