I had my last therapy session yesterday. Now I know what you’re thinking… Christian, you said on your main page that you blog because you can’t afford therapy, so why did you lie to us?
Well, the truth is I CAN’T afford therapy…. but at one point in August of this year, things had gotten so bad that I couldn’t afford NOT to go to therapy.
Am I cured? Absolutely not. Was I sick in the head? Probably, but then again if I wasn’t sick in the head or going through some sort of life changing event, I wouldn’t have anything to write about and this blog wouldn’t really exist, so here we are.
I enjoyed talking about my problems and my issues with someone in person outside of my inner circle. It helped to give me perspective on where I am going and what I am doing with my life, even if I had to drive 30 minutes to Pasadena to make that happen twice a month.
Since I’ve now gotten to the point where I’m ready to move on and start a new chapter in my life, I figured that my mental mission to fix my brain was accomplished and it was time to stop therapy, in addition to the fact that I have no health insurance and each session set me back sixty five dollars.
I’ve decided to leave Los Angeles for now and move back to Seattle in early 2016. I have to say that even before I knew what the outcome of all this was going to be, it had always been in the back of my mind for years.
For those of you who can read between the lines, L.A. has been detrimental to my confidence and my well being. I don’t feel I was ever rewarded for all the hard work I had done over the years, I feel as if there is nothing left here for me, and even though the sun shines down on my face 340 days a year, that warmth is fleeting and that sunshine is shallow, and seldom does it make me feel like I’m at home.
My therapist agrees, and I don’t think he is lying to me because a therapist is supposed to challenge you and call you out on your shit, and he has done that in the past, but when I came back this week from my trip to the Pacific Northwest, there was something about me that neither he or I could deny.
I have evolved. I have a plan. I have graduated to a place where I know what’s best for me now, and I know that I need to leave something behind.
Obviously I am going to keep writing because it helps me, and I think I’m pretty good at it. I know this because it makes me feel better to get it out, people tell me that they can relate to what I’m writing, and even though I am hungry and I want to eat my breakfast right now, I choose to wait just a little bit longer until I finish writing this blog because I feel like at some point in the next few weeks, I am going to need to go back and read it again so that it reinforces what I felt when I woke up this morning.
I’ll probably go back to therapy in a few months when I have a new job that gives me the health benefits that we all so desperately need more than the right to own a gun. I know I’m closing the book on L.A. for now, but I’m keeping the page dog eared just in case I want to re visit it at some point.
However, I’m never going to to stop writing about the things that go on inside my head because as I said before, ultimately, THIS is my therapy.
Or at least it’s the closest and most cost effective clinic in town that doesn’t require me to have health insurance to join. I love it here.