I had always wanted to move to California ever since I was a 13 year old hanging from the rafters of my basement townhouse in southern New Jersey. I knew I needed to be out there, but I didn’t know why, or what I was going to do once I got there.
Now, in six short months I will be celebrating my 13 year anniversary living in the Golden State, but if I can be completely honest, I still don’t know what I am doing here.
I know why I moved here, and I know that for a good handful of years I thought I had it all figured out. However, over the past six months my life has re-defined itself and made me re-think what I thought I knew to be truth.
I’ve entertained the idea of moving back to Seattle, where I lived for two years and loved, but I haven’t got a clue as to whether or not that is the right answer. I’ve thought about starting over in a new place, but I’m almost at the age where starting over somewhere new seems immature, unpredictable, and too costly to my wallet and the people I’ve met in my little support group.
I’ve even thought about moving back home to the East Coast, but to me, that feels like I’m giving up on my dream. Maybe it’s time to redefine that dream.
I want to stay here in California. I love it here 98% of the time, and the other 2% I’m only complaining because it’s in my nature to do that when it’s 99 degrees in the middle of October and my A/C has been running since early September.
I’ve asked for guidance from the big spirit in the sky, and I’ve prayed for an answer to come because I just don’t know what to do anymore.
When I started this life out here, I knew it would bring me something I truly loved and believed in, but have I gotten so comfortable in the middle of my early-mid-life crisis that my not knowing what to do might have been covering my eyes from an answer that could have just passed me by? I don’t think so, but how would I know? Ignorance is bliss.
Things haven’t worked out the way I thought they would, but it can’t all be for nothing. The premonitions I got back in ’88, ’92, & ’97 have promised me that there is something out here for me and there is a reason I am still here today.
There is no way I believe that my time here is in it’s twilight, because I won’t allow myself to think that way. I believe in what I’m doing, and I believe it will all make sense if I just let it all go, and have a little faith.
California, don’t let me down.