Love of the Loveless

Ahhh, to be 29 years old again.  This one is from June of 2005.  I think I had just broken up with someone, somewhere and I was drinking my nights away and writing my thoughts down in HTML format.  Thanks to all my new followers and the people who pay attention. New stuff up next week, in the meantime this is “Love of the Loveless.”

(originally posted June 29th, 2005)*starduster

This is the life I lead now….crossing fingers and wiping brows. It gets warm in my apartment even though the nighttime air blows in the window crisp and cool. I have no time to waste anymore and I’m feeling like a basket case lately.

The last fortnight I have been supplying my brain with televised scenes and video-taped dreams. I’m not sorry for being such a recluse and keeping to myself lately. This is what I go through a few times a year and I keep myself busy by drinking fermented grape juice and distilled vodka occasionally while I don’t dare answer my phone or venture much outside of my neighborhood.

If it weren’t for my meowing friend at my feet and the reflection I see every day I wouldn’t know that I was alive with feeling. I smiled twice today and I spoke less than four sentences to anyone who would listen. I’m pretty fucking proud of that fact too.

I know that the road is long and uphill, but I don’t want to give up just before I get there. I’ve never been in one place this long in the past five years and I’m starting to lose my spirit. I hear that voice inside my head say “don’t give up, you’re almost there,” …and I like it when I give myself something to live for.

These California girls are all the same. Loveless and longing for a reason to take something for granted. They can be my best friend or they can be my worst enemy, but either way they’re still a mystery that eludes me on a daily basis. Everyone wants to take you out except me. There’s something to be said about that.

Please describe yourself and make sure not to leave out important facts like “sometimes I like to be by myself and not say hello to anyone,” because that makes more sense to me than someone who is in a genuine good mood every day of their life.

Clues are too cool for the kids. I thought I told you that before.

So here I am in disgust and happenstance sitting in a chair I got for free, wishing that no one in the world is anything like me because I’d die if I knew I wasn’t an original bastard anymore.

I’m in love with the loveless.

2 thoughts on “Love of the Loveless

  1. I think I was in the exact same place as you were the prior year. My heart was broken and I’ve still never recovered from it… But Ive learned so much about me. That’s the silver lining in life… Always a silver lining… Always : )

    So glad you seem to have found you! : )
    I miss Myspace’s top eight : )
    Love reading your old Myspace posts!

    Liked by 1 person

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