I woke up to rain on my bedroom window this morning. I liked that. It reminded me of a time in my life when I wasn’t quite sure what to do next. In fact, I’m still in that same place now, and when I read this old blog from 2006, I figured this one fits my mood today.
(Originally posted March 11th, 2006)
There are days when I feel wonderful, without being able to attribute that feeling to any real event. Of course, my rational mind searches for a reason for my happiness, but if I count the number of times when I do things against my will or better judgment, it becomes obvious that logic and reason do not always apply in this world.
There are times when I feel good about myself after I do something for someone else, but in reality, I only remember how that good deed made me feel, and sometimes this is what helps me sleep at night. There are times when I’m wide awake and I catch myself thinking about shit that isn’t going to get fixed and I tell myself to stop thinking.
I start to fall into a state of sleep but something I heard today jerks me back into a stagnant state of waking consciousness and I find myself wishing my brain had an on/off switch.
There are days like these when I forget I moved to California for the nice weather, and instead I’m irritable and cold no matter how many coffees I put away.
I’m chilly in this moment of life cause I feel I’ve been at a crossroad for awhile and I’m still thinking about which way I’m choosing to go instead of just closing my eyes and walking where I feel I was meant to be.
This is the position I’m in now…meditating and hanging upside-down with nothing to say and everything keeping me from making a choice.
Still, there’s subtle pleasure in that for me, so tonight I’m blanketing myself with indecision and irrational thoughts….but at least I’ll get some rest because I always sleep well when it’s cold and raining.
At least I got that.