self-induced heart attack

It was almost ten years ago when I posted this blog on MySpace and I remember EXACTLY what it is about.  I had a huge panic attack the night before I wrote this.  Maybe it seemed so much more intense because I was high when it happened? I don’t know, I thought I was going to die.  I really did. I was going through a tough time, things were pretty messed up in my life, and of course instead of dying, I woke up the next day.

(Originally posted Friday, December 09, 2005)*starduster

I’ve read somewhere that our mind is so powerful that in optimum conditions we could create a self-induced heart attack. We could literally convince ourselves that we were going to die and then systematically create a blueprint for that exact fate to have happen. I’ll be the first one to admit that sometimes my mind gets a little out of control as I find myself dwelling on subjects and waves of thought that could be considered taboo or self defeating. In a slight way, I found myself in a mental state of shock and depression this week. I went psychologically crazy and I’ll admit that it was a struggle for me just to stay alive in the moment.

I started thinking about how I wasn’t ready for this to happen to me, and how humiliated I would have been if after I passed my mom came out to California to claim my things and sort through my belongings only to find embarrassing images and videos littering my apartment and my computer.

I entertained the thought that perhaps I had been careless with my life up until this point and I had wasted my talents on physical gratification that has now turned into numbing habit. This isn’t the life I wanted to lead anymore, and when I looked at myself in the mirror I saw someone who had an awakening at the exact moment in life when it would benefit him to the fullest.

I saw myself getting rid of the major opinions that don’t agree with me anymore, and I watched as I shed my skin one more time this year to make room for all the good things that are headed my way next year.

I saw myself getting a grip on the reality I created up until this point, and believing in myself one more time and bargaining with the powers that be in exchange for one more opportunity to turn this self-induced heart attack into another chance to right the wrong.

I saw myself in the mirror the next morning, terribly tired and a little broken with dark circles around my eyes, but I smiled anyway because at least I was alive to see my reflection one more time….and for that, I’m grateful.

8 thoughts on “self-induced heart attack

  1. Wow! This is amazing! You express your emotions with such description. You are talented!

    As I read your writings… It brought me back in time (and present) to moments that were so intense. Never wanting to disappoint the ones you love most… And always wanting to be the best person you can be. How we fail at times but we continue to strive to be better than yesterday. It can be a struggle…

    Thank you for posting it! ❤️

    Also… Always wondered how the black boxes on the eyes were suppose to keep you incognito. : )
    Now I understand : )

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’ve always thought my darkest times brought everything to light….
      The heart-wrenching moments were when I wrote beautifully.
      You have true insight : )

      197 more!!!! Boy, get to posting : )

      I think the guy is either Brad Pitt
      Or Ryan Gosling… It’s a toss up : )

      Liked by 1 person

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