It was almost ten years ago when I posted this blog on MySpace and I remember EXACTLY what it is about. I had a huge panic attack the night before I wrote this. Maybe it seemed so much more intense because I was high when it happened? I don’t know, I thought I was going to die. I really did. I was going through a tough time, things were pretty messed up in my life, and of course instead of dying, I woke up the next day.
(Originally posted Friday, December 09, 2005)
I’ve read somewhere that our mind is so powerful that in optimum conditions we could create a self-induced heart attack. We could literally convince ourselves that we were going to die and then systematically create a blueprint for that exact fate to have happen. I’ll be the first one to admit that sometimes my mind gets a little out of control as I find myself dwelling on subjects and waves of thought that could be considered taboo or self defeating. In a slight way, I found myself in a mental state of shock and depression this week. I went psychologically crazy and I’ll admit that it was a struggle for me just to stay alive in the moment.
I started thinking about how I wasn’t ready for this to happen to me, and how humiliated I would have been if after I passed my mom came out to California to claim my things and sort through my belongings only to find embarrassing images and videos littering my apartment and my computer.
I entertained the thought that perhaps I had been careless with my life up until this point and I had wasted my talents on physical gratification that has now turned into numbing habit. This isn’t the life I wanted to lead anymore, and when I looked at myself in the mirror I saw someone who had an awakening at the exact moment in life when it would benefit him to the fullest.
I saw myself getting rid of the major opinions that don’t agree with me anymore, and I watched as I shed my skin one more time this year to make room for all the good things that are headed my way next year.
I saw myself getting a grip on the reality I created up until this point, and believing in myself one more time and bargaining with the powers that be in exchange for one more opportunity to turn this self-induced heart attack into another chance to right the wrong.
I saw myself in the mirror the next morning, terribly tired and a little broken with dark circles around my eyes, but I smiled anyway because at least I was alive to see my reflection one more time….and for that, I’m grateful.