Monday, November 25th, 2013
I am sitting at a sports bar in Hollywood watching the Flyers play the Florida Panthers. The Flyers are losing, of course. My friend is sitting next to me scrolling through his phone and telling me about this date he went on last night. “She was cute, but there was nothing going on upstairs.” I laughed, because I know the type. I also know that there are more women like that out here in Los Angeles, than probably any other city in America. This is why I don’t go out on dates. Well, that’s not the only reason, but we’ll get to that later.
I look over at his phone and I see three rows of pictures of women aged 25-40 in perfect little boxes displayed on the screen. “She looks cute” I say as I go to point her out.
“Don’t touch the screen!” My friend yells. Apparently, if you tap their picture, they know you visited their profile. I had heard of OkCupid before, but I had never used it. I used to find girls to date on MySpace back in the day. Yeah, like way back in 2004, my friends and I were all about hooking up with chicks we met on MySpace and Friendster. I did pretty well on MySpace. I dated a rock star, a porn star, some reality stars, and a newly divorced German muse who took me to Vegas, New York, and Palm Springs. Can you say… sugar Mama?
But that was 9 years ago, and I knew it would never be like that again. I’m not in my twenties anymore, but still… I was curious. Maybe I’d meet someone now who was cool and interesting to talk to and especially nice to look at. Maybe I’d get a good night kiss…but more importantly maybe I’d get a good night laid.”
“Have you gotten laid?” I asked my friend.
“Yeah, but not as much as I’d like to.” He replied.
I thought to myself, right now I’m not getting laid at all. But I wouldn’t mind having the promise of maybe getting laid a “little bit,” even if it’s not as much as I’d like to. Still better than nothing, right? And besides, I like to go out and talk to new people and drink at new bars and have a fucking social life. But I tell you, dating in Los Angeles is one of the most grueling and mindfucking sports there is, so I don’t want to take it too seriously. Then I remembered a week before I had gotten a new credit card in the mail that gives me double points for dining and entertainment purchases. If I spend $1500 in the first three months, I get 30,000 bonus points towards shit like cruises, plane tickets, gift cards, etcetera. So here’s what I would do… I would use this card on every date, and even if it didn’t work out with the girl, who cares? At least I’m racking up some points. Yeah, just like that commercial.
I got home from the bar that night and I started creating my profile. First thing I did, was lie about my age.
Los Angeles, California
No way am I going to put my real age in there. I know most people outside of L.A. won’t understand this, but I work in the Entertainment business and out here…EVERYONE OVER 30 LIES ABOUT THEIR AGE!! I swear to God, that’s just how it is. You have your real age, and then you have your Hollywood age which is what age you “play.” I’m 28-35. Deal with it.
I uploaded five pictures, and I was very specific about which ones I chose, and took the advice of my friend who told me to make sure I had a “body shot.” That makes sense to me. I’d be extremely skeptical of anyone on a dating site who only has pictures of themselves from the neck up. You know there’s about 140 more pounds that got cut out of that picture.
I filled out all the sections. I used witty jargon with a slightly saracstic tone that I’m sure has been copied a million times by now. I didn’t give away too much information, but I did make it read like I was eloquent and modern, without coming off as cheesy or cliché.
In the section that read “The Most Private Thing I’m Willing to Admit is…” I wrote, “I have a Denny’s coupon in my wallet.”
When I got to the “You Should Message Me If….” section, I wrote… “You’re interesting, You don’t smoke crack, You’re not a flake, or You like to drink.”
I answered 75 “match questions,” uploaded my profile, hit save, and then I went to bed. I woke up the next morning and saw I had 55 visitors, 9 “Someone Likes You” notifications, and a message from a 36 year old woman in West Hollywood who called herself “Manhattan2LA.”