Part 4: Ok Maddie

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Wednesday December 11th, 2014

The day after my first date with OkMaddie, the Flyers played the Blackhawks on Wednesday Night Rivalry. The Flyers lost that game by a score of 2-7. It was pretty much over after the second period when they were down by 4 goals. It was embarrassing and of course, I got bragging texts from OkMaddie throughout the game.

“Wow, love that goal song!” She exclaimed. She is of course referring to that stupid song by the Fratellis called “Chelsea Dagger” that they play at the United Center in Chicago every time the Blackhawks score a goal. You know, the one that goes “da da dump, da da dump, da da da dah daaah da dump!” I fucking hate it. I cannot stand hearing it. And then, 59 seconds later, Chicago scores again.

“Yes! Play it again!” She writes.

Now she’s pissing me off. I want to still like her, so I have to send her a text and concede the game at this point. Before I can even finish typing the text, the Blackhaws score AGAIN! 8 seconds later she texts me:

“What’s the score? I was out walking my dog.”

“Shut up. You know what it is.” I reply

She responds with a smiley face.

I turned off the hockey game at that point. Just couldn’t bear hearing that stupid song another time. Still, I never conceded the game so I better turn the tables here….

“Don’t worry,” I respond back. “I’ll get mine back this weekend when the Eagles crush the Bears on Sunday Night Football.”

And boy, did they ever. 54-11.

OkMaddie had a plan for our second date and she sent it to me via a text message. Here is what she originally wanted to do.

“I was thinking we could go on a coke binge, kill some hookers and then tell kids that Santa Claus isn’t real.”

I’m thinking that COULD be fun, but can we just push the hookers out of a moving car instead of killing them? I don’t need blood on my hands.

Ok, so she has a dark and twisted sense of humor. So do I, but I do have my limits. I also have no desire to actually kill people. And why hookers? What did any hooker ever do to her that was so bad that she wanted them to die? I mean, call me old fashioned, but I try to steer clear of death and rape jokes when I’m first getting to know someone, but that’s just me. Then she actually surprises me. She suggests for a second date we go to the Griffith Observatory, and then drive around and look at Christmas lights. Complete and total one eighty right? Actually, I think, that’s a pretty good idea. So I tell her to pick me up that night around 7:30. I’m pretty convinced right now that I seriously wouldn’t date this girl, but she did come up with a good idea and that shows ingenuity. I respect that. Indecision is for pussies.

Monday, December 16th, 2013

My cell phone rings and it’s OkMaddie saying she is here. You know what I’m glad she just did? Call me to tell me she is here instead of texting me the obligatory “here.” Again, this is pussy. Let’s just all agree to stop doing that as a generation. Especially on a date. I’d say let’s take it as far back as physically getting out of the car and coming to the door, but we all know how shitty parking is in Los Angeles.

“I’ll be right down.” I say. And I hang up.

As I approach her Jeep, I see she is sucking on a candy cane. I get in the passenger seat, and I am hit directly in the face with an overwhelming waft of mint and patchouli. I am not a fan of these two scents simultaneously. In fact, I’m not a fan of anything that musky. Patchouli reminds me of hippies and this place in Philadelphia called Wonderland that used to sell bongs, but you had to call them “water pipes” otherwise you would get kicked out of the store. This was in the 90s, and this sweater OkMaddie is wearing looks like it’s from that decade too. It kind of looks like an ugly Christmas sweater, but it’s really ugly, and not in the fun and festive type of way. It’s absolutely hideous. I decide to tell my first lie because I feel like I need to say something sweet.

“Nice sweater.” I say convincingly.

But I don’t really mean it. I’ve got to be honest, I NEVER do stuff like that. I always say what is on my mind, but I can’t tell her what I really think. Why didn’t I just not say anything at all? What compelled me to flat out lie about something as stupid as that? I think I’m overcompensating for the fact that I know this isn’t going to work out. As I look at her wearing a tacky Christmas sweater with rosey cheeks and red hair and a candy cane in her mouth, I can’t help but think of one thing. She looks…..”jolly” Like a jolly elf, or a smaller female version of Santa Claus. She looks bulky in her clothes and as we ride off in her “sleigh” I now realize that for the next two to three hours, I’m trapped.

As we are driving to the observatory, OkMaddie asks me if I own a car. I’m like, of course I have a car, why are you asking me that? Then she says,

“Well, did you get a D.U.I. or something?”

“No, I’ve never had a D.U.I.” I say.

Apparently she thought it was weird that I walked to the bar the other night, and then I asked her to pick me up to go out tonight. Even her friends said oh yeah, that’s kind of strange. Maybe he had a drunk driving arrest. Kind of weird and puzzling, but after thinking about it…..Ok, I guess I could see how those two things could somehow be interpreted as I “might” have a D.U.I. But I tell her no, I just thought you would want to drive since it was your idea to see the Christmas lights, plus I live 7 blocks away from the bar and we’re in Los Angeles where it’s 65 degrees in the middle of December, so I walked.

We get to the Griffith Observatory and park the car. Then we head for the front door and I notice no one is going inside. There are a lot of people sitting on the steps looking lost and bewildered, and eventually OkMaddie and I join them all huddled around a sign that reads: OBSERVATORY CLOSED ON MONDAYS. Sure enough, that’s today. This is a total bust. It’s life telling me that we should probably just go to a bar and have a few drinks but OkMaddie has never been here before and she wants to walk around the outside of the Observatory and talk about her trips to Paris and England. I’ve never been out of the country so I can’t really relate to her reminiscing about walking the streets of France or going to a pub with her British friends and drinking pints all night, so I interject with the occasional “Yeah I’ve always wanted to go to….(insert European city here) Then I bring up the fact that The movie Rebel Without a Cause was filmed at the Observatory. She has never seen it. What!?!

The city of Angels is quiet and peaceful from up here. To my right is a beautiful view of Los Angeles and I wish I had brought my glasses so I could see the skyline more clear, but I didn’t. Maddie wants to take a walk up this trail south of the parking lot, so I oblige even thought I’m dressed in boots and nice jeans with a button up shirt. “Sure I’ll hike up that small hill with you into the darkness” I say as I’m kicking dirt with my shoes and getting partially winded from the incline. I didn’t know we were going to be hiking on this date….I would have brought a water bottle, and different clothes.

We take a seat on a park bench that is partially covered in shadows by the trees and foliage. I totally forget what we talk about, because there is a strange sound being echoed throughout the surrounding hills. I think it’s coyotes, but it really sounds like a bunch of dogs arguing about shit. It’s a really nice night out, and this is a really nice date for us to be on, but the problem is I’m really not into her. I do this thing when I start losing interest with someone and I’m still in their presence. I pick them apart. It’s totally awful, but as she is telling me some sorted story about something that I obviously don’t care about, all I am thinking to myself is…

“Her lipstick is too red….I can’t deal with that.”
”She’s a v-shaped walker and I find that so unattractive.”
“She’s top heavy….I noticed it earlier this evening when she took off that sweater and I haven’t stopped thinking about it since.”
“Her proportions are all wrong for me. What am I doing here?”

Just then my thought process is interrupted by OkMaddie clenching my hand in what I think is motivated by some level of fear. The howling has stopped and we start to notice there are coyotes walking around behind us. I turn around and there they are….four or five wild animals milling around about fifteen feet away.

“I think it’s time we go” I said.

I grab her hand and we get up and walk swiftly and carefully down the trail past the swirling coyotes searching for food, and back down to parking lot. I let go of her hand as soon as danger isn’t imminent anymore, and I got to say I was little scared too.

“Let’s get a fucking drink.” She says.

“Definitely” I reply.

The second part of this date was to go looking at Christmas lights, but not that many people in L.A. decorate their houses. Also, they cancelled the Griffith Park light show two years ago, so we are really just left to find a bar and drink. Luckily, I know one where they put up a lot of decorations and serve strong libations. (Hey, I just rhymed right there) Unfortunately, this bar I’m thinking of is cash only so I need to stop at an ATM and pick up some money because something tells me, due to her last experience with a date at a cash bar, I’m going to have to be prepared.

We’re at The Roost in Atwater Village. I have been coming here for years and I especially enjoy it around Christmas time when the inside is covered in old school Christmas lights and garland, and the bar is filled with yule tide cheer. The Roost is glowing with those old screw off bulbs that were used in the 80’s when I was a kid, and my friends and I used to steal them from houses and smash them on the street. I don’t know why I was so destructive back then. I was never a big fan of the Holidays, but over the last few years at Christmas time, I’ve been trying to nurture my inner Charlie Brown, and stifle my inner Grinch, even though I have a tattoo of him on my leg.

I’m eating the free popcorn like it’s a meal, and I’m sipping on my Stoli and cranberry which I ONLY order at this bar for some reason. We start talking about our pets and our exes and I pull out my phone and show her some pictures of the rabbit.


“I love that little guy” I say about Rocco.

Rocco is the rabbit that is taking up 1/10th of the real estate in my living room. He’s white with black spots and he is full of energy when he’s not sleeping. He looks like a cute little bunny- cow. I joke with OkMaddie and tell her how much fun it is to have him around and how when my roommate finally moves out I’m going to miss him a lot.

“I thought you said that rabbit was your ex-girlfriend’s?” She says.

What? Oh Fuck! Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck! I just totally fucked up! I’m caught in a lie and I have no idea how to get out of it. I remember I told her on our last date that Rocco was my ex girlfriend’s rabbit, not my roommate’s. But I also remember that I left out the part that my ex girlfriend and my roommate are the SAME PERSON!! Oh shit. I’m caught in a lie, and I realize now I have to somehow talk my way out of this one.

“Oh, uhhhhh yeah my ex sometimes drops him off and I watch him for her when she goes out of town.” I say unconvincingly.

I think to myself….Does that contradict anything I’ve said up until this point? Can I distract her from the lie/truth I just spouted out by being vaugue and using mis-direction to scramble the details? Can I play it off like it’s no big deal? Why do I even care at this point? I know I’m not going to go out with her again. I think I just don’t want to be caught in a lie and I don’t want to have to reveal all the specific details of my life. Then I start thinking that at some point, I’m going to have to come out and explain everything to someone if I really like them. I just don’t want to do it now, and I don’t like her enough to let her know everything.

The next few sentences are a blur, and I start sweating a bit and I can feel my face get flushed with the bright red tone of embarrassment. I bet my cheeks are rosey at this point, and if I had a mirror I think I would look just as jolly in the face as OkMaddie does on this date. I gotta get out of this situation soon before I say anything else I may regret.

Somehow, I save face. Somehow she believes what I told her was different from what she actually heard. Somehow my acting and my dialogue manipulated her into thinking that she doesn’t really know the truth about what she thinks she knows. I don’t even know if it matters at this point, but she goes to the bathroom, and I get our check and tell her I’ll meet her outside. I pay cash for the drinks and I’m a little disappointed now because I realize won’t get any points on my credit card this transaction. I just want to go home.

OkMaddie smokes those skinny girl Capri cigarettes when she drinks, and she blasts this crazy New Orleans Mardi Gras cajun jazz music on the ride home. It’s weird and off-putting….just like her patchouli. I mean I appreciate jazz music, but who on earth actually LISTENS to it on a regular basis? Who puts it on while you’re driving your potential date home? Does this make a good impression on other people? Is she trying to impress me by making the most vast, peculiar, and odd-lot choice of music for the car ride home? I feel like I’m at the Showboat Casino in Atlantic City, or I’m walking past Harrah’s in Vegas and some “pedro” on the stirp is slapping his hand with a porno flyer while trying to hand it to me all in one motion.

“Turn here” I say. And I’m happy I’m almost home.

Maddie puts the car in park, and keeps it running. She says she had a really nice time, and I believe her. Then she leans in to kiss me and like an idiot, I don’t stop her. I know this is going to be bad. Here’s the truth…one of my biggest disappointments when dating is finding out that the girl is a bad kisser. If there’s little to no spark, AND you’re a bad kisser, we’re probably not going to kiss anymore, which means I’m not going to want to date you anymore. OkMaddie falls into that category now. Kissing her was like making out with a gummy worm.

I make my way upstairs and back into my apartment. I forget about the disappointment that is OkMaddie and I log onto the virtual dating shopping list that is OK Cupid. I check my notifications and I have some new visitors and a message from a user called “disko_nap.” She’s really cute, but much younger than me and…..she’s asian. Maybe it’s weird to think this way, but I’ve never dated an asian girl. However, I noticed a lot of the girls that have been visiting my profile have been Chinese or Japanese or some type of Asian fusion..and….LOOK! There’s another message from another asian girl named “Something_about_lipgloss.” Is this a coincidence, or is this one of those “What it rains, it pours” type of situations? I look at her pictures and I’m immediately taken aback. Wow! I’m just like “Holy shit, this girl is gorgeous.” I mean, like absolutely stunning. She’s is so pretty in fact that I immediately start to wonder if she’s a real person. Look, I’ve never dated an asian girl before, but based solely on her looks, if I were going to date an asian girl, THIS is the asian girl I would date.

So I click the box and read her message.

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