Tuesday December 10th, 2013
It’s been an interesting week and a half. I have spent the last 10 days messaging with girls on OkCupid, and I’ve been getting some interested responses back. Sometimes though, I’m not getting any response back at all and I’m fine with that. That’s just how it goes I guess. I don’t respond to all the messages I get either, mainly because the things they write are just really lame and unoriginal like “Hey there!” or “How you doing?” Or my own personal fave…”Seems like YOUR lips are MY competition.” What?!?! Who the fuck writes that expecting a response? Generally, I don’t respond if the message isn’t interesting or totally weird like that one. Sometimes I won’t respond if I just don’t find any of their pictures appealing to me. Now before you get all judgmental, let’s be honest. You have two tools to use when trying to connect with someone online. Your pictures, and your words. If I don’t find you attractive in a picture, or if I’m not interested in what you have to say in your profile, then you’re 0 for 2 and that’s a strike out in the online dating world. Sorry, it’s two strikes and your out, not three. In real life, it’s kind of the same thing. Try to spout off a cheesy line to a pretty girl at a bar and you get laughed at and ignored the rest of the night no matter how smooth you think you are. It’s simple enough, and I play by the rules although I don’t necessarily like the “game” sometimes. For example, if a girl and I “like” each other’s profiles on OkCupid (and yes there is a rating system) I send her a non intrusive message with some witty comments about something she wrote on her profile. Then I wait. If I don’t get a response back in two or three days, or the response I get is two to three words, she’s either not interested, or obviously wound too tight for me. Or possibly playing some weird type of mind game which doesn’t interest me. I get that some girls are hesitant to meet guys off of a dating website, but then I have to ask the question WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING ON IT IN THE FIRST PLACE??? I think some girls just like getting the attention. I know I do. Here’s what I know. A very attractive female friend of mine joined the site a few weeks after I did. I was averaging about 50-60 visitors a week, and maybe three to four messages. She was averaging over one hundred visitors and messages a week. A WEEK!! She had so many messages and visitors that they couldn’t post the actual number because they only allotted two digits for the count! “You have 99+ messages in your inbox” My confidence level was pretty high after the last two weeks, but I couldn’t imagine getting THAT much attention. Men are just extremely more desperate I guess.
Now, before I get into OkEmily or OkMaddie, I should probably explain what happened with OkKimberly…
Ok, so I wake up the next morning and I see she responded to the sarcastic text I sent her after our date. Get this…she says she actually DOES want to go out with me again. I’m really starting to wonder if that was a typo or is OkKimberly just a complete and total nut job. I literally laughed out loud when I read that text. I mean seriously, I had the worst fucking time. It was probably the 2nd worst date I’ve ever had in my life. I would never go out with her again…. BUT I still kind of hinted at making plans to get Yogurtland with her throughout the week with absolutely no intention of ever really following through with it. Mean? Maybe. Vicious? Hardly. I just wanted to see if her venom from that night was still having a poisonous effect on my body. She made one of the worst impression on me in the history of my life. Needless to say…I never talked to OkKimberly again.
A few days ago I set a date to meet with OkEmily at The Village Idiot on Melrose. I think it was a Thursday night, and I was kind of looking forward to this one. OkEmily and I are a 92% match. I was definitely taking that into consideration since I carelessly overlooked it the last time. OkEmily’s pictures online are all instagrammed and filterrific. She’s pretty, but I’m not 100% sure because of the overuse of the Walden and X-Pro II filters. 31 years old, blonde hair, blue eyes, tattoos, and she hails from Texas, with two big “assets.” Her stats say she is five foot five and she has a great smile in her pictures. She works somewhere in the music business, but it is very unclear from her profile exactly what it is she does. I sent her some message about how we should get a drink together and compare tattoos. She totally buys it, and texts me her phone number 7 minutes later. The afternoon of our date, I call her to make plans because that’s a standard for me. I mean, I’m fine with meeting someone from the internet, but I need to talk to you on the phone and make sure you’re a real person and not a psycho creep before I meet you. I’m sure most women can relate to that last statement. I call her around noon and I don’t hear back from her for a couple hours, which is fine. But then she texts me back two hours later. A call-back
text-back? Hmmm, that’s pretty suspect to me.
Is she afraid to talk on the phone, or just really swamped at work? A text response to a phone call is the epitome of laziness, but I’m going to give her the benefit of the doubt here and just think she was busy. We are supposed to meet at 8:45, so when 8 o clock rolls around I start getting ready and primping myself up. Yes, I just said primping. I’m literally about to walk out the door at 20 minutes after 8 when I get this text message:
“Oh my God, you will never believe what just happened! (exclamation point) It all makes sense now! One of my co-workers was fired today and I have to stay and work late tonight to cover her. Would you totally hate me if I asked to reschedule?”
Immediately I want to say yes, I totally hate you right now. You’re a total bitch. Who cancels twenty minutes before a date? And what the hell does she mean “It all makes sense now?” Sounds to me like she is using some crazy revelation to justify her cancelling the date. Did you not know two or three hours ago that you were going to have to work late and couldn’t make it tonight? Are you just finding out now at 8:25pm that your co-worker was fired? Really? Are you just flaking on the date or did I just dodge an MTV style catfish bullet? Maybe that’s why she never called me back. Maybe OkEmily was a dude all along? Or a tranny. Can we still use the word tranny now or is that considered racist? Who knows. I just sit there and sulk for a few minutes before I decide to go out to the Ralph’s and buy a moderately priced bottle of wine and spend the rest of the night drinking it by myself. I’m kind of pissed. No one likes to be blown off, especially twenty minutes before the date is supposed to happen. Plus, did she not read what it said on my profile? I specifically said “NO FLAKES!!” I finally respond to OkEmily twenty minutes later with ”It’s cool. We can totally reschedule. Txt me next week.”
I don’t mean it, and I never hear from or contact her again.
Back to tonight…
I had been waiting a few days for a message back from OkMaddie. She takes like a week to respond with her phone number, but eventually I get it and I call her. She talks about how she enjoyed Thanksgiving and ate a lot of mashed potatoes and stuffing. She’s a vegetarian, but I am willing to overlook that for now. We talk for a bit more to make sure neither one of us is a crazy person, and we make plans to get a drink on Wednesday, but then after we hang up, she texts me to change the date to Tuesday. At this point, I’m fine with whatever as long as the date actually happens and we don’t end up going to the Veggiegrill on Sunset. Unless of course they serve beer there, but I’m pretty sure they don’t. I’m overly cautious now, (thanks OkEmily) cause we’re supposed to meet at 8pm, and I check my phone obsessively at 7:00, 7:15 and 7:30 to make sure she isn’t going to send me a cancellation text at the last minute. Finally at 7:45 I feel like it’s a go and I head out and walk the 7 blocks to the Well on Argyle and Sunset. I take a seat at the bar facing the door, and about five minutes later, OkMaddie walks in. She comes over and says hello and sits down next to me. She reeks of patchouli. I am instantly reminded of my ex-girlfriend from 1998 who also smelled the exact same way. It’s sort of comforting, yet kind of off putting at the same time. Eventually, it dissipates enough for us to order two happy hour martinis. Yes, the Well has a late night happy hour from 5-9 which is why I frequent the place. We get our drinks and we start talking. I’m pretty comfortable with her, and there is little to no anxiety. The two things I worry about on a first date are us having nothing to talk about, or there being no physical attraction. So far, I’m ok with the former and I’m still observing the latter. OkMaddie is wearing what I think is a dress and a leather jacket. It is clear to me she obviously chose this one because of how “accentuated” it makes her upper torso look, and I appreciate that although I never want to get caught looking in that direction. She claims to be around 30 years old and I have no doubt that she is telling the truth, unlike myself. She has blue eyes, bright red lipstick, and her dyed reddish hair falls down on her face in an uneven and edgy style that actually compliments her quite well. She’s cute, and she looks somewhat like her pictures, and I think to myself I’m just going to get to know her and take it from there.
Look, I want to find someone I totally get along with who is utterly gorgeous and stunning and completely cool and sexy without having to try, and without having a superficial attitude about it. And yeah, I want her to be into the same kind of music and movies as me and hopefully she appreciates the fact that I’m an aspiring artist/creative type and doesn’t have a problem with it because maybe she is one herself. But in reality, that’s a tall fucking order and it’s not fair for me to expect that every time I go out with someone new. It’s just not going to happen. Is it?
“How many people have you met off the site?” I ask.
“Like three or four.” She says. “How about you?”
“You’re number two.” I say.
Then she asks about number one, and I tell her the exasperated story of OkKimberly. She laughs when she is supposed to laugh and she then goes on to tell me about a horrible first date she had at the White Horse bar down the street.
“When the check came,” she says “he just opened it up and stared at it for like ten minutes. He was doing a lot of humming and hawing and then he placed a debit card on the bar and said he would pay for his half. His HALF! At this point, I had no choice but to point out to him the huge sign on the wall that read CASH ONLY. He seems oddly surprised even though HE was the one who picked the place to go. We had been sitting there for a good two hours, so I just paid for the whole thing. Then he asked me for a ride back to the train station. Oh no” She says “That is NOT going to happen.”
“That is a pretty funny story,” I say, and now I immediately know I am going to have to pay for the check. At this point, I am ok with that because I am moderately attracted to her. It’s her bravado and sense of humor that keeps me entertained and we decide to order another round of drinks. We cheers each other as I tap the bar before I take a swig.
“Why do you do that?” She asks.
I explain that one of my close friends is Irish and apparently it’s a tradition. She informs me that she is also Irish and has never heard of that.
“Maybe it’s an east coast thing” I say. OkMaddie is from Chicago, or was it Ohio? Yes, it’s Ohio but she went to school and worked in Chicago. She tells me about working on the Rikki Lake show as a producer and how that catapulted her into accepting a job in reality TV production out here in Los Angeles where she’s been living for a couple of years. Catapulted? Seems excessive to me. She tells me how much she loves Chicago and how the Blackhawks are her favorite sports team. I try to muffle my disdain for the Blackhawks, but before I know it she starts asking about my sports background. “I’m a Philly fan.” I tell her, which is apparently enough fuel for her to start reminiscing about the 2010 Stanley Cup Finals where the Philadelphia Flyers would go on to lose to the Chicago Blackhawks in 6 games. “I went to the victory parade!” She exclaims.
“Of course you did.” I say.
She’s into sports and she says funny things and has a dark sense of humor like me, and she isn’t a complete and total bore fest. I am thankful for that. She takes off her jacket and hands it to me to hang underneath the bar. I feel like she is getting more comfortable so I suggest we get a third round.
Let me explain the third round from my point of view. If I choose to have three drinks with a person, I have accepted the reality that one of us is currently or ABOUT to be a little “alcohol enhanced” and I’m comfortable enough with myself and with this person to go there. I NEVER have three drinks on a first date unless I’m either totally uncomfortable, and feel the need to be inebriated to get through the rest of the night, or I’m having a good enough time that I lose count.
The third round comes, and I casually bring up her vegetarianism.
“Is it a deal breaker that one of my favorite foods is chicken wings?” I ask.
“Nope.” She says and then somehow or other, she makes the transition from food to my living situation.
“Do you live alone?” She asks casually.
I could lie here. I could easily say yeah I live alone, but I know that this is a qualifying question. She’s fishing, and because of all the baggage I am carrying with me, it doesn’t make sense to lie. I believe there is still something redeeming about telling the truth in this world, and I’m trying to get through this whole experience without telling too much truth, but also without actually lying because I know nothing good will come of that. So do I live alone?
”No.” I say. Then, as nonchalant as I can, I sum up my cautiously complicated living situation in one sentence. “I kind of have a straggler.” I add. It’s not total bullshit, but it’s also not totally the truth.
“Oh yeah? Me too.” She responds.
Wait, what? You have someone living on your proverbial couch too? This is interesting. She tells me about her guy friend from back home who currently lives with her and literally crashes on the couch in her living room. I tell her about my gal pal I’ve known for years who currently shares my bedroom, (but not my bed) who also lives with me too. I leave out the fact that she was an ex from many years ago. Look, I’m going to be honest, but I’m not going to be THAT honest on the first date. We share stories and complain about how neither one of them likes to do the dishes until they’re piled up and overflowing BOTH sinks in the kitchen. We both laugh and I bring up the fact that my “roommate” got a bunny last year and that we had to section off a part of the living room for his cage. I show her pictures of the rabbit and of my cat and she tells me about her dog and how she constantly has to stop him from rubbing his dick on the side of her bed. I’m instantly reminded of that scene from the movie Garden State where the dog dry humps Zac Braff in the hospital waiting room. “Here comes the lipstick…..”
The third round is over, and it’s getting late and OkMaddie has work in the morning so we decide to call it a night. She tells me she is going out of town next week for Christmas and I tell her I want to see her again before she goes. Am I into her? I don’t know. I like her company and she’s definitely not a psycho, and I found some common bond with her that may or may not work to my advantage. I’m into her enough that I can overlook the patchouli, the vegetarianism, and the fact that she is a Blackhawks fan and I could see myself going out with her again. I walk her to her car and she points out her Jeep Cherokee parked on the street next to the Rite-Aid I hate going to, and then she thanks me for the drinks. I lean in to kiss her good night, and she obliges. I smile, then she smiles, then I put my headphones on and hit play on my iPod as I walk home.
I don’t know if other people in this world are like me when it comes to music and moments. What I mean is, I always can associate music with events that happen in my life. I can tell you what the first three songs were on a mix tape I made back in 1993. You know, when “tapes” still existed? I can remember what song was playing in the background of my ex-girlfriend’s answering machine the first time I called her, and I can tell you in detail about what happened the first time I heard “Welcome to the Machine” by Pink Floyd when I was stoned. But for the life of me, I can’t seem to remember what song I listened to that night I walked home after my first date with OkMaddie. I wonder why that is.